Its official - I am old

I was called the old guard yesterday by my bosses boss.  I wouldn't mind so much but she is older than me. I am not going to let her forget this ageist comment.

I will make references to getting my slippers at future meetings and maybe needing a stick.

Its my wife's name day today - bit of an excuse to get more presents. I got her and inspired "shiatsu massager". Needless to say she is looking forward to trying it out this evening, probably while lying naked on a sheepskin rug.

Happy days.

Blood pressure

Bought a blood pressure meter today.  Wanted to do another of the tests diabetics tend to do on themselves. As its new I did it 4 times. First was a bit high 153/91 back from the shops. Second an hour later was 145/84. Went for a 5k run in the gym and measured about half an hour after 132/81. Once I cooled down even further I got 124/78.

Quite pleased really. The secret to diabetes control is low carbs and excercise.

No hangover today

I exercised last night and put a bit of effort in. I go to a men's keep fit class and I am gaining more confidence. (I am best of all at rope kicks).

When I exercise I feel good. I used to do a lot more then about three years ago I developed a bad back. That put pay to any exercise as my right leg used to collapse (quite embarrassing in front of a class). Seem to be better now though.

I exercise to help with diabetes. Do you know that moderate exercise is better than heavy exercise in controlling blood sugars? I can take BG levels down 2 points or more with half an hour on a cross trainer at a max heart rate of 130.  If I exercise higher it goes maybe 2 points higher.

In 3 weeks we go to Spain on holiday - looking forward to that.

Its the week end and looking forward to some r and r with my wife.

Drinking too much again

Got a sore head today.  For the past 2 and a half weeks my alcohol consumption is increasing. It started with a weekend at the in laws and has kept going.getting a bit fed up at work because no one listens to me now. I disagree with some changes (other people agree with me) but nobody will put their head above the parapet.

Its time to move on really. I am 53, just given a quarter of my pension to my ex, and have to support my children (even though I have not seen them for almost 7 years) for another 5 years at least.

What should I do. My wife wants to go self employed so I need to stay in paid employment while she sets herself up.

Anyone else been there?

Reflections on hypnosis

It made me on one hand more assertive - on the other peaceful.

Ever been hypnotised

I don't feel motivated at the moment so I am trying hypnosis. Last night I went back 40 years and it was amazing what I discovered. Everything happens for a reason, even if it seems terrible at the time. Recommend it, so relaxing...

Had hypnosis today

Trying to find out why I am not motivated at the moment. Got hypnotised today and went back 40 years. Very interesting. I am going to sleep on it and let you know. Positive vibes though...

Another update

Have you ever been forced out of your job to make way for a friend of someone. It happened to be on 1st May 2008. I still fell regrets, but hey it is a lot less stress. I remember when I made the decision I walked around the house naked- I was free. Very liberating - it was one of the causes of my depression at the time.

Update

Its over three and a half years since I blogged here. Did I beat depression? Well I am still here, and still in a job. I was bullied out of my old job when I returned from honeymoon. I got re-married in March 2008. I have been through financial divorce court and I have not seen my children for over six years. My youngest is 15 today. I am sane, happily married and not on any medication. I am a type 2 diabetic but feel better than I have done for years. Apart from lack of motivation I am good. More soon.

Getting there

Well I got up and had a shave this morning - believe it or not that is a step forward. Soon be the weekend - my fiance will be at home.

Starting to look at finance and settlements now - it takes a while to get into the right mood to tackle these issues but I feel OK today.

I will let you know how I get on.

I am still here

Well I have been off a week now and certainly feel better. Not seeing my alternative practicioner till 18th Feb. Not much to say except I am spending most of the time indoors at present - don't want to be seen out and about.

Still a bit slow sorting out things - that needs to change.

I will try to be more upbeat. Since I have been off work I have not picked a winner (or anywhere near a place horse to score points) and am languishing at the bottom of my tipsters table. This must be a good barometer of my mood.

My fiance said Prozac changed my smell. I was concerned about clenched jaw but I seem to be sorting that one out.

Going to the Doctors today

At my initial trip to the doctors I suggested that I did not want time off as it would make me worse. Since then I have had a few days off - self certified. I suffer from panic attacks and occasionally forget things but feel better. I am going to tell him about Prozac and the effect it had on me. I might try for another medication.

I am going to visit an alternative practicioner, my usual one is not working at the moment so I need to find someone else. I have a number I will phone after being to the doctors.

Not blogged for a couple of days - wonder why?

Last blog was Tuesday. Wednesday was all too much for me at work, kept getting bombarded by pointed emails from my boss. I threw the towel in at lunchtime then went back to my digs. My landlord, who has been through similar to myself said I was doing the right thing. I am going to take a week off - self certified then go to see the doctor for time off.

Wednesday evening I just lay down in relief. Was awake in the night and yesterday morning it took me a long time to move. I was reading a book about depression.

Yesterday I won my racing competition and 25 pounds to boot - I even went to cheer on my horse at the track.

Had a few glasses of wine with my fiance last night and have a bit of a head this morning. I am going to phone my alternative health practicioner today to see if she can help.

I have been thinking that since I have been in my current role I have divorced and now my health is suffering. I need time to think this through.

Looking forward to the weekend now. I don't know if I can be seen out during work hours.

I am getting short tempered

No exercise yesterday and no Prozac makes Johnnie a bit agitated. Going to remedy this by a trip to the gym tonight. I got a bit angry with my boss today. New member of staff started and I showed him round.

Need to do a tax form tonight - I always leave it late but the pressure is on so I can cope. Need to find some information to fill it in.

Back on top of my racing competition this afternoon with two races to go. My aim is the maximum score in the competiton to date need another 55 points or so.

Spoke to my sister about her new baby yesterday - both she and her husband seem quite stressed by it all.

Today I proposed

I proposed to my girlfriend today. Odd you may think when we have already planned a wedding and a honeymoon....she said yes - can't be too bad a day.

Work was ok but had a glitch at 9.00am. My new desktop has a different version of powerpoint to my laptop - no presentation was forthcoming. Had to postpone class for an hour.

Heard that one of the students was going to take medication for depression. I told the tutor beware and that I had taken it. He is a bit of a gossip though so watch for what happened.

Birds deposited on my car today - supposed to be lucky.

I proposed where my girlfriend where we first held hands - romantic or what?

The ring is sparkly - aquamarines with diamonds and big smile on her face.

Today goes down as a good day.

Sunday update

Went for the run this morning and was out for an hour. I was doing OK for the first part but after about 30 mins I took in too much air and started coughing. Walked for a while through a park (lots of families with children - its the first decent Sunday for a while) then Fartleked for 20 minutes. Feel good and relaxed without the spaced out feeling of Prozac.

Waiting for the engagement ring to be delivered this evening. My other half was talking about an engagement party next weekend - Prozac may have to make a reappearance.

My sister is back from hospital and is doing well with her daughter. Expect to speak with her this evening as well.

Life is not too bad and I have even read my lecture notes for tomorrow.

I didn't go to the match

Typical - my team are in town, they cause the upset of the day, and I didn't go. Wait till Monday though, my colleagues won't want to talk about it. Would the team still have won if I had been there - thats a question that will remain unanswered.

A good day all round. I was the top points scorer in my racing competition, but I am still second. I like to come from behind and win on the line though by doing just enough.

Looking forward to a nice roast in a minute or so. That always puts a smile on my face.

Life is OK. Felt more withdrawal symptoms today and my Charlie Brown face comes back at times.

Tomorrow I am expecting the engagement ring to be delivered. Decided as well to go for a run as exercise always makes me feel better. Check tomorrow to see if I did.

Day 2 without Prozac

Had a migraine today - first for ages - anything to do with withdrawal symptoms? Perhaps someone might comment. The other reason may have been a new monitor with the brightness at 100% or the wrong angle.

Its the weekend and Burns night. Some steaks with a tot of Talisker on the menu.

Became an Uncle again yesterday - my sister is doing well and should be out tomorrow. Pleased for her (she is 38 and its her first) - she had to wait until her husband had got a proper job. She used to say he was high maintenance - but hey hes a bloke.

Looking forward to the weekend and some chilling time with my girlfriend. May even go and watch my side play footie this weekend.

No prozac today

I did not like the effect of Prozac yesterday so I cut it out today. So far so good. I feel a lot more with it and sharper than I have been.

Fell asleep at 7.20pm yesterday after a couple of Magners and a meal. Did a lot of dreaming as well so when I woke up I decided enough was enough.

Lecturing with Prozac

Today I did not feel here and nearly went home at lunchtime. Had a lively class who asked lots of questions which made me feel quite good. Lecturing with Prozac gives you confidence.

This morning I actully looked at documentataion my ex wife's solicitor sent in October. It was a big hurdle even to begin to look at it. Just found out she bought a car in August - she can't be that badly off. Picking up speed to sort the mess out now.

I do a competition on horse racing each day - you have to pick a horse and score points on its position and starting price. I am back on top. it is a monthly competition which I won in September and was second in October then had two poor months. Reflects my mood. This is a good sign that I am back on top.

Onwards and upwards.